Just Saying NO

NO

Who knew that those two little letters could be so powerful and freeing??!  I don't say no.  I never have.  Except with my kids.

I have always wanted to be liked so I have silenced my NO in favor of a yes.  Even when I didn't feel like it.  Especially when I didn't feel like it.  I wanted people to like me and know they could count on me.  Little did I realize that I was sacrificing a piece of myself each time I said yes, when all I really wanted to say was a heartfelt NO.

Fear and rejection are powerful emotions.  And...part of the human experience.  Even when we are trying our best, rejection and fear become part of our experience.  We can't be loved by everyone all the time.  If we try, we wound ourselves and part of our golden selves become corrupted and lost.

Believe me, I KNOW about being lost and corrupted. Because I have tried to live in this world of pleasing for a long time.  And it's brought  me nothing but alienation from myself and others.

Monday I made a pact with my sister-in-law that we would work on our NOs.  We have been reading a discussing a book called Present Over Perfect.  It's been life-changing for both of us. We decided to tell the other each time we said NO.  Because our normal go-to is yes.

Today I said NO. 

It was scary.  Especially when I knew that the disapproval would come from someone I love and admired.

This year our YW are not doing a regular Girl's Camp because of Covid-19,  We are doing 3 days of a pared down day camp.  One of the days, the girls decided they wanted to go boating at Pineview Reservoir.  Sweet Craig Hall said yes to the use of his boat when the girls asked.  Covid cases are on the rise here in Utah.  A big rise.  Spiking, actually.  The idea of being trapped on a boat with anyone right now sends my heart pitter pattering.  Not to mention the drive up to the reservoir with a car full of girls.  Our trusty YW President is asking the girls to wear masks when they carpool up to Pineview. 

You know, I've been in YW a long time.  I know the youth.  And they might start out in the car wearing a mask.  For about 32 seconds. Then off it will come because they will say they can't breathe.  Yes, I could tell them to put it back on.  But I don't want to be that fun-sucking leader.

So I texted (because she's in Oregon with family right now) the YW president. I told her I would be happy to go to Pineview and help with the activity (because we'll be OUTSIDE) but I wouldn't be riding on the boat nor would I be able to take any girls with me in my car.  I said NO!

She wasn't happy. 

But I was. 

For saying NO when my heart and soul were screaming NO.

Different

I find it fascinating that this picture has been in my folder for at least 2 months.  I loved it the minute I saw it.  The colors are vivid and vibrant. Each silhouette is different yet beautiful.  They are striking in their own way. 

We are all beautiful.  We are all different.  We each bring color and vitality to the human picture. One isn't better or more beautiful than another.  We all shine and glow in the way only we can.  In the way God wants us too.

With all the protests and riots going on around our nation because of the killing of a black man named George Floyd, my heart has been saddened and heavy.  Do many of us still see each other through the lens of the color of our skin, or where we live, or, how much we have?  I am heartbroken to see the destruction going on in the name of 'being heard'.  One evil doesn't justify another.  It only creates more darkness.

I wish we could all share our own beauty in our unique way without judgement.  Without criticism.  That would be amazing.  That would make our world something wonderful.