THE TREE

I know this image isn't great, but it is what it is.

As I was outside, last night, in my happy place looking over the hollow I saw a tree.  Naked (like most of the others), and bare.  And wonky.  Branches missing.  Lopsided.  Two leader branches like it couldn't make up it's mind.  It wasn't in the yard where it could be cared for but it was outside the fenceline.

There it was giving praise to its Creator by living and growing the best it knows how.  In all its wonkiness and lop-sidedness.  Does the Creator love it less? Because it isn't as beautiful as those in the yard that have been given careful love and pruning? No.  He sees it growing as best it can AND praising its Creator in the very act of growing.  

And He loves it.

Little Jesus

 

LITTLE JESUS

Our financial planner has a tiny Jesus sitting on his desk.  He’s about an inch tall and he’s plastic.

I need a tiny Jesus sitting on my desk. 

So, I figured everyone else does too. 

Each Christmas a message and symbolic gift act as our version of the Nativity. Acting out the Nativity is awkward for us.

We watch a short video instead (no words), with the music ‘Breath of Heaven’ as the background. As well as one called “Do you Have Room For the Savior?”

In the past I have given gloves, as a reminder to be the Savior’s hands.  I’ve given socks to be His feet, one of my Papa’s keys to remind us to Let Him In, candles, because he is the Light of the World. 

It's how I turn Christmas to the Savior amidst all the chaos.

I bought 25 tiny (1”)Jesuses to give to family on Christmas Eve as my gift and reminder of the Savior this year.

Now, it’s10 days before Christmas and I can’t find Jesus.  LittleJesus, as B & I call Him.

He’s not in the Laundry Room.  Which is the obvious place, isn’t it? Since he cleans us up. Quite nicely, actually.  No, really, that’s where I thought I put the box when it arrived in the mail 2 weeks ago. 

He’s not downstairs in one of the baskets. Which would be reasonable since at some point in His life He would have laid in a basket.  Plus, it was where I was going to put 25 Little Jesuses so everyone could pick which one they wanted. They all have different colored robes.

I’ve check everywhere. Under couches. In drawers.  In cupboards.  I CAN’T FIND HIM. 

 I’ve lost Him.

Sometimes we lose Him.  Like I did today.

Have you ever lost Jesus?

He’s actually not hard to find.  He’s a lot easier to find than 25 1” Jesuses. That I put in a ‘safe place’.

Sometimes I find him in good music.

Other times it’s in the scriptures.

I also find Him outside, and especially in my beloved hollow.

Where do you find Him?

 Don’t worry.  I found my 25 Little Jesuses.  Since they were little, (I think I’ve mentioned that 100 times) they were in a little box.  Neatly tucked in with my papers by my computer.  Hiding.  Within arms distance. 

Luckily the real Jesus is closer (and bigger) than arms distance.  He’s not hiding.  

I am so grateful.  And ever indebted.

 I love Him.  He is my Friend. And my Savior.

 

GOODBYES

I'm not great with Goodbyes.

I never have been.

In the last year I have had to say goodbye to 7 people I love. Five of them have been in the last four months.  And yet another one last week that I wasn't particularly close to but I know and love that person's sister.  I am still numb and reeling.

Why do we think everyone is always going to be around?  You would think that after having Sarah die I would know that every day is a gift.  Relationships are meant to be cherished.

And yet, I become complacent and forgetful, like most people.  Loss has had to stare me in the face again for me to realize just how important the people in my life are to me.

Funerals and goodbyes DO NOT bring me joy.  But knowing those goodbyes aren't forever, does.  And having the reminder of how important 'my people' are to me also brings me joy.  I have people I love.  I have people to love.  That is joyful.

 

CONTROL?

Today B and I had the chance to go tubing down the Weber River.  The weather was perfect. The water was cool.

I'm not sure what I expected.  I was prepared with my trusty heavy duty tube, dry suit, sunglasses and even a pvc 'stick' to help me paddle (if that's what you want to call it) or push away from potential hazards like rocks or the shoreline.  I was set. 

Ask me how that worked.  Ummm, not like you would think, or how I would have liked.  

Basically, once you're on the water in your trusty tube, floating down the river, you have no control.  None.  It might look like you do.  And occasionally you might 'begin' to think you have control of the situation.  But it's all an illusion.

You basically go where the current wants to take you.  If it wants to take you into the trees by the shore, that is where you're going to go.  If it's headed to a rock in the middle of the river, that is where you're going to go too.  But you do have your trust pvc 'stick' to push yourself away from the rock.  Unless, of course, you're going backwards.  Which you are at least half of the time. 

No control.

Which is a great lesson for someone who likes control (which may or may not be me) and thinks life can be controlled. 

We all think our lives can be controlled and manipulated.  We do have the power of choice.  For good or bad.  But if a generous, loving Father in Heaven wants to give you experiences to help you grow,  you have no control.  

If I want to go to school to learn all about Horticulture, I have that choice.  I can even apply for jobs in my chosen field.  But if a loving Father in Heaven doesn't want me to have a job, in said chosen field, because he knows of something better, I have no control.  None.

Something magic happens when you realize you have no control.  You hang on. Trust the Lord. And enjoy the ride. Knowing He will get you through.  

Yes, you have to do your best to avoid the hazards that come your way,(and lift your bum over said hazards) but most of all you have to trust the one in charge of your trip down the river.  And find some joy along the way.  The views can be stunning.  The water invigorating.  And the company, that rides with you, are the best!

 WE DID IT!

We Sold the Cabin

So, you ask, how can you sell something you  have loved so much?  

It became something it never had been before.  Something I didn't love.

The area became increasingly crowded.  People now live there year round and expect year round services.  We loved it without all the services.  No garbage pick up, no plowing in the winter, not much road maintenance. It was rustic, and quiet.  

The price for the yearly HOA fees reflected the lack of services. There weren't a lot of people who stayed there for huge chunks of time.  Now they do.  Many people live there all summer and some even year round.  

The people that stay there longer expect more.  So we are paying more.  And it's also a lot more crowded.  

Also, we have three families that own the cabin, so there are three families with different ideas of doing things.  Not bad, just different.  And a little more stressful.  Okay, a lot more stressful.  Especially when there's an imbalance of resources.  Financial and physical.  

The cabin ceased to be a place of peace, renewal and rejuvenation.  

When my father built the cabin this wasn't he envisioned.  He would be sad and frustrated.  

So, we sold it.  

Our last time to the cabin was sad and hard.  I have so many good memories from there.  Sledding in the winter.  Sitting on the back deck in the summer with the sound of the river below our cabin, seeing a gazillion stars at night.  Kids jumping off the ladder into a pile of pillows.  Pit games.  Barbeque burgers that never tasted better than cooked over a charcoal fire. And finally, the lake.  Kayaking and hiking around it were the best.  Good times. And the smell.  Oh, the smell of being outside in the pine trees.  Nothing compares to that.  

But I have to admit that even with all those amazing memories, I knew (we knew) it was time to sell.  It had become more than we could care for.  Or maybe, it was more than we wanted to care for.  The negative had finally outweighed the positive.   

So, we sold it.  

 

I DON'T KNOW!!  I'm always worried about what other people need or want.  I'm always scouring the horizon when it comes to those around me that I'm closest to.  Have I asked them enough questions about themselves? Do they feel loved?Are they hungry? What would THEY like to eat?  Are they hot?  Are they bored? Do we need to play a game? Where do we go on vacation that will please everyone?  Hawaii?  Did someone say Hawaii?  Do/Did I really want to go there, or are there other places I would like to visit more?  

You get the idea.  I'm so worried about what other people want that I have no clue what I want.  Or need. It's definitely a thief of joy.

We hear a lot about self-care.  What does that even mean?  I know it has something to do with rejuvenation.  But at this point I don't even know what rejuvenates me anymore.  Being alone sounds amazing.  In my own house.  Not on vacation anywhere.  Going on vacation somewhere sets in a whole group of expectations such as going places, seeing new things, trying new things.  I honestly don't want any of that.  Right now.  I also know that there's a fine line between self-care and indulgence.  Ice cream every day isn't self-care.  It's tastes delicious but it doesn't recharge my batteries.  What does?

This is definitely something that will take a lot of thought.  And prayer.  God knows me better than I do. I need to begin compiling a list.....

--Deep Conversations

--The sound of water (rivers, beaches)

--Yoga

--Exercise...really? or am I just saying that because I'm supposed to?  Scary!

--Being outside

Reading

What will bring me JOY?  What brings you joy?

A HAPPY PLACE

Some places just bring you peace.  All the time.  Our cabin is one of them, for me.  

 I don't know that there's anything more to say.  It's beautiful and brings joy to my heart and soul.  It lifts me when I'm there and it's quiet.