I Fix

Today on my way to the temple (yes it's closed but I can go into the parking lot and feel peace there) I drove by this store and it caught my eye.

I feel broken.  I feel like my life is broken.  And I don't know what to DO to fix it.  You see, I always think that there is something I should be able to DO to fix anything that isn't right in my world.  I can cook food for neighbors who are sick.  I can text or visit friends who are struggling.  I can send $$ to my children when their funds are low.  But I can't fix me.  My life and my heart are broken.  I feel unloved, unwanted and unseen by the very person in my life who promised to love, want and see me.  Or something like that.

"I FIX".  Jesus fixes.  He loves broken things. At least that's what Elder Holland says.  And he says He can fix broken things.  My "doing" in all this is to trust that He can and He will fix what has been broken.  Like the sign says. 

Be grateful for today and the lessons I am learning and the strength I am gaining.  Because Christ tells me "I FIX". 

Fear

For the last five years two dogs have been kenneled here.  Day and night.  In the blistering sun and the freezing snow.  Now don't get me started on the plight of these dogs because that isn't today's discussion. Today's topic is fear.

Every time I walked past these dogs with Toby and Willow they would bark their heads off. Almost.  Sometimes they would bark at just me walking by.  I think these poor kenneled creatures were fearful.  They were trying to protect their little plot of land.  They were trying to control something they had little control over.  In return, my dogs would react and try to protect themselves, and me. It would turn into a barking fest.   Needless to say, we didn't walk this way very often.  Which is a shame because, other than the kenneled dogs, this is a beautiful and peaceful walk.

For the last few times Toby and I have walked past this kennel.  No dogs have been in it.  It has been peaceful and quiet.  Today Toby and I walked up to the kennel.  There were no big scary dogs.  At first, Toby's hackles went up.  He was prepared for a fight.  But as he stood there and then sniffed around, he realized there was nothing there to fight and nothing to be afraid of.  He stood at the fence and looked for a long time.  I think he was sure there was going to be something pop out of the dog houses at any second.  But nothing.  

Once he was satisfied, he turned around and we walked on our way down the street.

Fear makes us do crazy things.  We bark.  We lunge.  We run away.  We put our hackles up.  We show our sharp teeth.  In an effort to protect.  

My greatest fear is to be invisible and useless.  When I feel discounted, overlooked, or not heard, my hackles go up.  My angry teeth show.  I bark. I protect.  All in an effort to be heard and not become invisible.  What I really am, is hurt.  Anger = Fear/hurt.  At least in my world.  

As I can label my fear, anger and hurt, it disappears. Just like the big scary dogs in the kennel.  

I think a lot of people are living in Fear and Hurt.  Especially right now.  I am.  

And I have found that if we can label it and look at it, like the empty kennel, we will find that our fears aren't that big.  Or real.  

My Temple

The Bountiful Temple has been closed.  In fact, all the temples are closed except for sealings and live endowments.  And those things are done by appointment only.  I've missed the temple.  It's such a place of peace and calm.  It's a place of revelation for me.  I get centered when I go to the temple and everything comes into focus and gets balanced after I've been there.  My priorities get all straightened out. 

Things haven't felt quite right at home the last few weeks.  Brad has been working from home for going on 4 months now.  And we all know how I need time away from Brad to feel sane.  I need my Marci time.  Selfish, I know.  But at least I know my limitations.  Aspergers in a spouse is a heavy load to bear.  Even when his is mild compared to many.  I need time away to remember what 'normal' is.  Haha, what is normal?!

I know the Coronavirus plays into part of my imbalance.  I'm not naive about that.  But Brad has not been owning any of his Aspergers and the challenges it brings.  He laughs it off like "oh that's just the way I am.  Love me anyway." 

We moved Kathy Saturday (4th of July) morning.  When we got home something happened that triggered me to my core.  All I'm going to say is that it was a bookend to something that happened before we were married, that had I known it had happened, would have been a game changer.  And there would not have been a marriage.  So....was I going to let this repeat offense slide?  Ummm, No.
And not even just a heck no.  I feel like this has been a turning point in me taking my life back.  Me being able to say, "I'm done, playing this game.  It stops now.  You can't treat me this way.  It's NOT okay."  Because it's not okay.  And no one hardly ever tells Brad no. 

I have felt God's tender mercies everywhere.  In the scriptures I've read.  In the books I'm reading.  And then today at the temple. 

I needed the peace of the temple.  Even if I couldn't go in.  So I drove there thinking I could sit on the grass just west of the temple.  As it so happened that whole street was closed.  But part of the parking lot was open.  I think it was for the few temple patrons and construction workers that were there.  So I pulled in.  Being brave.  And I parked so I could look head on at the temple and just to see it's beauty and feel of it's power.  You see, in my world, the Bountiful Temple is the only true temple.  Just like the Salt Lake Temple is the only true temple for Gregg.  This visit was just what my heart needed.

There were no people walking in and out or lingering.  I could think and ponder and focus.  And receive some revelation and love.  As I sat there looking at the temple I watched the crane that you can see in the first picture. It would pick things up from the roof of the temple and then turn to the street on the west and drop off its load.  They are obviously doing some maintenance.  And I also saw some paint trailers.  So the work looks like it's inside and out.  But mostly inside. 

Then I got thinking about how every so often they clean the temple and update the carpet and chairs.They fix the AC and furnaces.  They want to make it as perfect as possible so the Spirit of the Lord will be there and the Lord himself as well. 

I'm going through an update. 2.0 My insides are realizing their worth and they won't take the leftovers Brad is offering. Heavenly Father will help me.  He already has. I want to be as perfect as possible so the Spirit of the Lord will be with me and so that I will be ready to meet him again. 

I don't know what the future holds but it will all be okay. 

Hobbs Creek Reservoir

So, we have lived in Davis County for 26 years. Until this summer I had no clue about Hobbs Creek Reservoir. 

We walked part of it a few weeks ago.  The west end.  We loved it. 

Today we decided to try the reservoir side.  The east end.  We had no clue what we were getting into.  This was at least a 3 mile hike.  Part paved, part dirt.  It was BEAUTIFUL and mostly shaded.  But there was also a lot of up and down that was difficult for Brad. And at times, for me too.  In places there were steps.  In many places it was just an incline that was very worn.  So we did some sliding.  Ok.....a lot of sliding. 

It was worth it.  We had no clue about this little treasure and I'm so glad we found it.

This not so short, walk/hike, with the dogs had many life lessons in it.  Life is NEVER what you think it might be. I KNOW it's longer than what I signed up for!  Life is harder in places and also more breath-taking.  There are places where you slide and scramble and you wonder if you're going to end up hurt or broken.  Then there are places where you wonder how you got soo lucky to have the view you do with the people you're with. 

Hobbs Creek Reservoir....you stole a piece of my heart today. 

Hidden Lake

Hidden Lake at our cabin is one of my happy places.  It's peaceful.  It's calm.  It's quiet.  It's green  Life moves slower at the cabin.

When we get the kayaks out on the lake I can feel my pulse slow and my breathing settle.  It's wonderful.

It's good therapy.