FAITH

When I was 16, 17, 18 years old to about the age of 25, my faith was rock solid.  Immovable.  My faith was built on bedrock and couldn't be moved.  

At least that's what I thought.  God was a part of my life.  He answered my prayers.  He was there.  I KNEW it.  

But then hard things happened.  Children had agency they used in a way that hurt them instead of helping them.  B used his agency in a way that hurt me.  And him.  I was bumped and bruised and I began to wonder where God and Christ were in all of this mess and hurt.  

I know I have to have hurt and sorrow.  I have to learn.  I have to have gain wisdom only available by experience.  I have to empathy born of that experience.  But it hurt. And continues to hurt.  And couldn't Christ minimize the pain?

My faith has taken a different path.  When I pray, I wonder if God is going to answer because it's his will?  Or am I going to have to navigate this on my own this since the answer to my pleadings are a resounding no from Him?'  And when the answer is no, I wonder if he's there and has he heard me?  

Why wouldn't he give me what I ask for when what I ask for is meant to bless everyone involved? But sometimes my request is to minimize the full measure of the pain that God requires or desires me to experience.  I hate that part.

Today my plea is to Let God Prevail (RMN, Oct. 2020).  I know in my head I need to do this.  My head knows that 'He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him.'  My hard and willful heart is still trying to know it.  And struggles to lay down the desire to have it my way.  My way doesn't know better.  God and my Savior do.  I want that faith back from my 16 year old self.