I'm going to be honest here.....my days have not been as joy-filled as I would like. Nor, as I normally see them. And what is worse is that I blame myself and then sit in shame and guilt for that. I should be seeing the good. I shouldn't be focusing on the negative or what isn't right. And I know I shouldn't should on myself. That's a bad place. So then there's more guilt and shame for 'should'ing on myself.........
Hawaii was a beautiful place. Is a beautiful place. And I thought I went with no expectations. I think I did in the activities department. I forgot about the people department. I guess I went with expectations about how people were going to act. This isn't my first rodeo, you know. People were thoughtless about how their actions were affecting the whole group. Food left out and half eaten. Food and clothing dropped on the floor and then left. Couches left open (for a hide a bed) and completely occupied so we were left to sit on the floor or stand. Unless we wanted to crawl in the hide a bed. Ewwww! And then there were those who thought they might punish B and I by not speaking to us. Which I guess is a bonus considering that if they did speak to us they might have said something we ALL would have regretted. Sounds pretty petty, doesn't it? I know I could have said something, but then the tension would have been worse and I'd rather hold it in than dumping on someone else and then dealing with the fallout. Been there, done that. Suffice it to say that both Brad and I thought it was alot of $$$$ spent with little/no return. I don't think there was any bonding done with our little (if you consider 12, little!) family. Lessons learned.
Despite that, there were still many things I did love. I loved the blue water and the beaches. I loved how laid back the people were. We never heard the honk of a car horn. No road rage. I loved the swap meet with its myriad of people to watch and trinkets to buy. I could have stayed for hours more! I loved that Nathan and Aubree went back to Pearl Harbor and took me with them. It is such a reverent place with an amazing history. I loved touring the submarine Bowfin there at Pearl Harbor. I got completely claustrophobic and gained a quick appreciations of ANYONE who has served on one. I loved the Coconut Malasadas at the PCC. Yum!, is the only word I have for them. I loved the Pillbox hike and seeing the blue water and beaches in all their glory from up high. I loved the leaf vine at Waimea Falls. God is so creative. I loved the home we stayed in. It was beautiful and clean and two blocks from the temple and meeting houses AND the beach. Oh, and I did loved going to a temple session with Brad, Nathan and Aubree and feeling that familiar spirit that I so craved. I loved the sweet, sister missionary who spoke just with Lindsay at the temple visitor center about Jesus Christ. I loved being with Brook and Lindsay when they got their picture taken with the birds at the swap meet. And finally, I loved the Guava Pancakes at Cinnamons and the chocolate at the Manoa Chocolate Factory. For now, I will hold on to these good things and file the others as 'To Be Forgotten'. I will continue to search for the Joy in my life. And stop with all the shoulds.
