WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

Nothing can cause more shame, guilt, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy than that question.  Especially when it’s asked directly to me. 

Satan knows it too. 

And he’s ready at every opportunity to exploit those feelings I have of not being enough.

My days aren’t huge and jam packed with ‘doing’.  Days that are too full keep me off balance.  But I do like to feel useful.

Our culture makes women feel like they should be doing it all. Being a wife and mother.  AND having a career.  Oh, and did I say that you have to be successful at the afore mentioned career? Isn’t the LDS logo a Beehive?

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be a mom.  That was my chosen career.  And luckily, I was able to do that.  I guess I’ll always be a mother, won’t I?

I have had part time jobs along the way.  Until B was making enough money.  Then I could just focus on the kids.

I even went back to school.  Then S died, and that took the wind out of my book learning self.  It took the wind out of a lot of things I was doing and wanted to do.

Once the kids were gone, my full-time mom-job was over.  What was I going to do?

Hence, the question….’what have you been up to?’ haunts me.  I don’t have a career outside my house.

I have tried.  But I haven’t been very successful at it. 

When C asked me that question this last week, he was just asking for the sake of conversation.  And because he’s a kind thoughtful kid.  But it cut me to the core.  And Satan knew it.  I was immediately in that space of shame and ‘not enough’. 

Then as I was swimming in all of that inadequacy, a kind loving Heavenly Father brought remembrance to my mind.  I had the preschool.  I had the flower preservation business. Which I started on my own from scratch.  I actually made $$ with the business.  But for reasons only known to God, it ended. 

I have worked off and on since high school at DB.  I job I loved because I love reading so much.  But could I get a job there, for love or money, in the last 2-3 years?  Nope.  I would apply….and nothing.  I gave it to God.  Telling him that if he wanted me to work there, please let it happen.  I was putting forth my best effort in applying.

R also wanted me to work with her at Jimmy’s, with the flowers.  She said I would be a perfect fit with the other ladies who worked downstairs with her.  I gave that one to God too.  Saying if it was right, to please let me work there.  Nothing.  Even R was baffled as to why I wasn’t hired.  I had the qualifications.  But God didn’t want it.

I have done Meals on Wheels and loved it.

Willow and I have volunteered and LOVED that too.  The pandemic has put a screeching halt to that.  I definitely look forward to the days when Willow and I can get back to the schools where she can do her ‘therapy’ work.  Which ends up being therapy for me too. 

Unfortunately, when the question “What have you been up to”? gets asked, I immediately think of my quiet days and that I should be ‘doing’ or working somewhere like Jimmy’s or DB to fill my hours.

Then I hear that voice that has become increasingly familiar and calming…. ‘Don’t you think you would have had those jobs if I had wanted you to?’

I’m where God wants me.  Doing what God wants me to do.