GOODBYES

I'm not great with Goodbyes.

I never have been.

In the last year I have had to say goodbye to 7 people I love. Five of them have been in the last four months.  And yet another one last week that I wasn't particularly close to but I know and love that person's sister.  I am still numb and reeling.

Why do we think everyone is always going to be around?  You would think that after having Sarah die I would know that every day is a gift.  Relationships are meant to be cherished.

And yet, I become complacent and forgetful, like most people.  Loss has had to stare me in the face again for me to realize just how important the people in my life are to me.

Funerals and goodbyes DO NOT bring me joy.  But knowing those goodbyes aren't forever, does.  And having the reminder of how important 'my people' are to me also brings me joy.  I have people I love.  I have people to love.  That is joyful.

 

CONTROL?

Today B and I had the chance to go tubing down the Weber River.  The weather was perfect. The water was cool.

I'm not sure what I expected.  I was prepared with my trusty heavy duty tube, dry suit, sunglasses and even a pvc 'stick' to help me paddle (if that's what you want to call it) or push away from potential hazards like rocks or the shoreline.  I was set. 

Ask me how that worked.  Ummm, not like you would think, or how I would have liked.  

Basically, once you're on the water in your trusty tube, floating down the river, you have no control.  None.  It might look like you do.  And occasionally you might 'begin' to think you have control of the situation.  But it's all an illusion.

You basically go where the current wants to take you.  If it wants to take you into the trees by the shore, that is where you're going to go.  If it's headed to a rock in the middle of the river, that is where you're going to go too.  But you do have your trust pvc 'stick' to push yourself away from the rock.  Unless, of course, you're going backwards.  Which you are at least half of the time. 

No control.

Which is a great lesson for someone who likes control (which may or may not be me) and thinks life can be controlled. 

We all think our lives can be controlled and manipulated.  We do have the power of choice.  For good or bad.  But if a generous, loving Father in Heaven wants to give you experiences to help you grow,  you have no control.  

If I want to go to school to learn all about Horticulture, I have that choice.  I can even apply for jobs in my chosen field.  But if a loving Father in Heaven doesn't want me to have a job, in said chosen field, because he knows of something better, I have no control.  None.

Something magic happens when you realize you have no control.  You hang on. Trust the Lord. And enjoy the ride. Knowing He will get you through.  

Yes, you have to do your best to avoid the hazards that come your way,(and lift your bum over said hazards) but most of all you have to trust the one in charge of your trip down the river.  And find some joy along the way.  The views can be stunning.  The water invigorating.  And the company, that rides with you, are the best!

 WE DID IT!

We Sold the Cabin

So, you ask, how can you sell something you  have loved so much?  

It became something it never had been before.  Something I didn't love.

The area became increasingly crowded.  People now live there year round and expect year round services.  We loved it without all the services.  No garbage pick up, no plowing in the winter, not much road maintenance. It was rustic, and quiet.  

The price for the yearly HOA fees reflected the lack of services. There weren't a lot of people who stayed there for huge chunks of time.  Now they do.  Many people live there all summer and some even year round.  

The people that stay there longer expect more.  So we are paying more.  And it's also a lot more crowded.  

Also, we have three families that own the cabin, so there are three families with different ideas of doing things.  Not bad, just different.  And a little more stressful.  Okay, a lot more stressful.  Especially when there's an imbalance of resources.  Financial and physical.  

The cabin ceased to be a place of peace, renewal and rejuvenation.  

When my father built the cabin this wasn't he envisioned.  He would be sad and frustrated.  

So, we sold it.  

Our last time to the cabin was sad and hard.  I have so many good memories from there.  Sledding in the winter.  Sitting on the back deck in the summer with the sound of the river below our cabin, seeing a gazillion stars at night.  Kids jumping off the ladder into a pile of pillows.  Pit games.  Barbeque burgers that never tasted better than cooked over a charcoal fire. And finally, the lake.  Kayaking and hiking around it were the best.  Good times. And the smell.  Oh, the smell of being outside in the pine trees.  Nothing compares to that.  

But I have to admit that even with all those amazing memories, I knew (we knew) it was time to sell.  It had become more than we could care for.  Or maybe, it was more than we wanted to care for.  The negative had finally outweighed the positive.   

So, we sold it.  

 

I DON'T KNOW!!  I'm always worried about what other people need or want.  I'm always scouring the horizon when it comes to those around me that I'm closest to.  Have I asked them enough questions about themselves? Do they feel loved?Are they hungry? What would THEY like to eat?  Are they hot?  Are they bored? Do we need to play a game? Where do we go on vacation that will please everyone?  Hawaii?  Did someone say Hawaii?  Do/Did I really want to go there, or are there other places I would like to visit more?  

You get the idea.  I'm so worried about what other people want that I have no clue what I want.  Or need. It's definitely a thief of joy.

We hear a lot about self-care.  What does that even mean?  I know it has something to do with rejuvenation.  But at this point I don't even know what rejuvenates me anymore.  Being alone sounds amazing.  In my own house.  Not on vacation anywhere.  Going on vacation somewhere sets in a whole group of expectations such as going places, seeing new things, trying new things.  I honestly don't want any of that.  Right now.  I also know that there's a fine line between self-care and indulgence.  Ice cream every day isn't self-care.  It's tastes delicious but it doesn't recharge my batteries.  What does?

This is definitely something that will take a lot of thought.  And prayer.  God knows me better than I do. I need to begin compiling a list.....

--Deep Conversations

--The sound of water (rivers, beaches)

--Yoga

--Exercise...really? or am I just saying that because I'm supposed to?  Scary!

--Being outside

Reading

What will bring me JOY?  What brings you joy?

A HAPPY PLACE

Some places just bring you peace.  All the time.  Our cabin is one of them, for me.  

 I don't know that there's anything more to say.  It's beautiful and brings joy to my heart and soul.  It lifts me when I'm there and it's quiet.

 CHOICE

    In all things we have a choice. I have learned that in every circumstance, good or bad, we have a choice.  A choice in how we're going to react AND how we treat each other. Our choices can bring joy or sorrow.  Which one are you going to choose?

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man.  And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." 2 Nephi 2:27

I learned this lesson in living color this week.  I am slow to learn.  God is always trying to teach me this lesson.  But this week I actually saw it.  Hopefully it sticks.  I'm slow.

I had the opportunity to take lunch over to my aging aunt and uncle.  Their daughter, who is usually their full time caregiver, got Covid and was sequestered in a hotel somewhere.  

I was asked and willingly offered to help.  I love my aunt and uncle.  It's impossible not to love them.  They are quick to laugh and be grateful.  Two keys to having joy.

When I took them lunch, they were so grateful.  Both for the food and the company.  I loved visiting them.  Even if I have to scream to be heard.  My uncle is terribly deaf.  And my aunt is struggling with dementia.  But I didn't mind.  They wanted an update on my mom who is the sister to my uncle.  My mom and her brother love each other so much.  It's truly joyful to watch.

The thing that took my breath away was how my aunt and uncle still treat each other after 50+ years of marriage.  Even though they have to repeat themselves over and over to each other, they do so with love and patience. Then when my aunt seemed confused or didn't remember what to do, my uncle was patient in telling her she was doing it right.  And was fine.  It's incredible to watch.  Almost unreal in this day and time when anger, animosity and discord flourish. Their concern is always with the other person.  

It's beautiful and joyful to watch.  I always come away from their home a little better.  Kinder.  More patient and willing to seek another's comfort first. Thank you Uncle Mont and Aunt Barbara for your incredible example.  I love you.    

FAITH

When I was 16, 17, 18 years old to about the age of 25, my faith was rock solid.  Immovable.  My faith was built on bedrock and couldn't be moved.  

At least that's what I thought.  God was a part of my life.  He answered my prayers.  He was there.  I KNEW it.  

But then hard things happened.  Children had agency they used in a way that hurt them instead of helping them.  B used his agency in a way that hurt me.  And him.  I was bumped and bruised and I began to wonder where God and Christ were in all of this mess and hurt.  

I know I have to have hurt and sorrow.  I have to learn.  I have to have gain wisdom only available by experience.  I have to empathy born of that experience.  But it hurt. And continues to hurt.  And couldn't Christ minimize the pain?

My faith has taken a different path.  When I pray, I wonder if God is going to answer because it's his will?  Or am I going to have to navigate this on my own this since the answer to my pleadings are a resounding no from Him?'  And when the answer is no, I wonder if he's there and has he heard me?  

Why wouldn't he give me what I ask for when what I ask for is meant to bless everyone involved? But sometimes my request is to minimize the full measure of the pain that God requires or desires me to experience.  I hate that part.

Today my plea is to Let God Prevail (RMN, Oct. 2020).  I know in my head I need to do this.  My head knows that 'He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him.'  My hard and willful heart is still trying to know it.  And struggles to lay down the desire to have it my way.  My way doesn't know better.  God and my Savior do.  I want that faith back from my 16 year old self.