I haven't posted something in a long time.  Mostly because the last two months have been hard and I have been hard pressed to see the joy in my life.

The holidays are always emotion-filled.  And Thanksgiving and Christmas this year were no different.  It seems we all come with different expectations.  And no matter what, someone is disappointed.  This year was no exception.  I did the best I could.  But people were disappointed and let down.

I have limped along since Christmas.

I felt no joy in the holiday I usually love because it focuses so much on the Savior.  I couldn't get Christmas taken down fast enough.

I wasn't connecting well with God or Christ.  They were quiet.  

What was I doing wrong?

I am usually the common denominator to my difficulties.  But answers weren't coming.

You know what?  There is a scripture ...."men are, that they might have joy". (2Nephi 2:25) Joy was the last thing I was feeling.  

Then, this last Wednesday I was in our Adult Religion class that our stake sponsors and Bro. Helgesen teaches.  The topic was a discussion on repentance.  He asked if anyone had had experience or known of anyone with experience regarding addiction and repentance.  

A brave soul raised her hand and shared her story.  

She said what made the difference was giving her will over to God.  She had tried everything.  She finally got to a place where she gave her will to God, only wanting what he wanted.

You see, I have tried EVERYTHING  to fix me and my marriage. I have tried.  Including asking God what to do.  Guess what?  NOTHING I  have done has worked.  Therapy. Podcasts. YouTube. Fasting. Prayer. Pleading. Anger. Kindness. Repeat. Repeat and repeat. 

There's no magic bullet.

No magic combo of things that has worked. And now I know no magic combo will work.

I give my will to God and my Savior.  They ONLY wants what is best.  I'll take it.  Even if it's hard.  I w know that God is building me into my best me.  

Joy comes through Jesus Christ.  Joy IS Jesus Christ.  When I gave my will to Him the light began to pierce that darkness I have felt.  I began to feel peace and calm.  I began to feel my burden lifted. 

 "I" have been trying to do it ALL.  Instead of letting the one who knows the beginning from the end, take it on and guide me.

The trick for me is to live in a place where inspiration and light can flow through me so I'm able to do God's will.

Christ is my Joy.  He will always be the answer to my Joy.