Temples

B and I walked with the dogs yesterday on Oak Hills Drive where the new Layton Temple is being built.  I was amazed at how quickly the temple is going up.  Although, why should I be surprised by anything the church does?  Everything they do is top notch.  You can’t complain, even if you want to. 

Last night as I looked at the temple in all it’s glory of incompleteness, I thought of the scripture.  You know the one about the body being a temple?  I looked it up.  It’s in Corinthians……

                “What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have

                Of God, and ye are not your own?

                For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.”     1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 I am so incomplete.  Inside and outside.  Some of me looks awful.  And yet, there are parts of me that I can tell have God’s touch.  They show that I have potential to be like God and my Jesus.  In a few places are beautiful columns of white granite.  But most of my exterior is a skeleton of what I could become.  Mostly metal.  With a few spots of fiberglass covering that metal.  I have potential. 

Then, to add to the cheesiness of the metaphor, check out the clouds.  I loved them.  They are the remnant of a jet.  But to me, they look like they’re coaxing me forward.   Moving, never stagnating.  Looking more beautiful with each of God’s breaths, propelling me forward to be something I want to be, and know I can become. 

And that HUGE crane in the background…..well, that’s just God taking on the heavy lifting that I can’t manage because of my wimpy arm strength. 

 

 

Bales Of Hay

I was on my way down to visit my mom and take her grocery shopping. 

As I was driving in one of the 5 lanes of 1-15 I noticed a semi-truck in front of me loaded with hay bales.  And there was a lot of them. 

Immediately, I started counting height and length and then quickly did the math in my head.  A small miracle for me if you know me and math.

There were at least 48-50 bales of hay.  And they weren’t little.  These were those HUGE rolls you see in the fields as you drive down south on your way to St. George or north into Idaho.  It was a heavy load.

I got thinking about how many animals that hay would feed.  A lot.  Or just a few for a VERY long time! 

The farm animals (and the farmers who take care of them) depend on this hay for food when winter comes.  They also use it when animals can’t get out to graze in the open fields.  It’s life.

Then I got thinking….what are my hay bales?  Metaphorically speaking?  What feeds me spiritually, emotionally, mentally? 

For one, regular quiet time.  I call it white space.  I NEED white space in my life.  I need time that isn’t scheduled and accounted for.  Quiet time opens me up to creativity.  Quiet time opens me up to inspiration.  It helps me connect with God.  White space rejuvenates me.  It’s air. 

And it’s food.  

Another hay bale is being in nature.  Which usually comes in the form of hiking. 

For me, there is nothing like the smell and the feel of good clean air when I’m hiking or just out in nature.  Even my backyard can be a bale of hay to me.  Because I love being outside, I have made my yard a hay bale.  I believe it’s a hay bale because all nature is a witness of its creator. 

Yoga is a hay bale.  I love stretching and working muscles while at the same time being kind to my body.

Reading a good book can definitely be a hay bale.  Instead of muscles, I am stretching my brain and thoughts. 

I have many other bales of hay that ‘feed’ me. 

As I write these words about being fed and finding rejuvenation, I find it ironic and the subject very timely considering the events in the world the last two days. 

I didn’t plan it this way.

This was just the subject for my next post.

 Can I just say that God is a God of ‘no coincidences’?

 

 

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

Nothing can cause more shame, guilt, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy than that question.  Especially when it’s asked directly to me. 

Satan knows it too. 

And he’s ready at every opportunity to exploit those feelings I have of not being enough.

My days aren’t huge and jam packed with ‘doing’.  Days that are too full keep me off balance.  But I do like to feel useful.

Our culture makes women feel like they should be doing it all. Being a wife and mother.  AND having a career.  Oh, and did I say that you have to be successful at the afore mentioned career? Isn’t the LDS logo a Beehive?

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be a mom.  That was my chosen career.  And luckily, I was able to do that.  I guess I’ll always be a mother, won’t I?

I have had part time jobs along the way.  Until B was making enough money.  Then I could just focus on the kids.

I even went back to school.  Then S died, and that took the wind out of my book learning self.  It took the wind out of a lot of things I was doing and wanted to do.

Once the kids were gone, my full-time mom-job was over.  What was I going to do?

Hence, the question….’what have you been up to?’ haunts me.  I don’t have a career outside my house.

I have tried.  But I haven’t been very successful at it. 

When C asked me that question this last week, he was just asking for the sake of conversation.  And because he’s a kind thoughtful kid.  But it cut me to the core.  And Satan knew it.  I was immediately in that space of shame and ‘not enough’. 

Then as I was swimming in all of that inadequacy, a kind loving Heavenly Father brought remembrance to my mind.  I had the preschool.  I had the flower preservation business. Which I started on my own from scratch.  I actually made $$ with the business.  But for reasons only known to God, it ended. 

I have worked off and on since high school at DB.  I job I loved because I love reading so much.  But could I get a job there, for love or money, in the last 2-3 years?  Nope.  I would apply….and nothing.  I gave it to God.  Telling him that if he wanted me to work there, please let it happen.  I was putting forth my best effort in applying.

R also wanted me to work with her at Jimmy’s, with the flowers.  She said I would be a perfect fit with the other ladies who worked downstairs with her.  I gave that one to God too.  Saying if it was right, to please let me work there.  Nothing.  Even R was baffled as to why I wasn’t hired.  I had the qualifications.  But God didn’t want it.

I have done Meals on Wheels and loved it.

Willow and I have volunteered and LOVED that too.  The pandemic has put a screeching halt to that.  I definitely look forward to the days when Willow and I can get back to the schools where she can do her ‘therapy’ work.  Which ends up being therapy for me too. 

Unfortunately, when the question “What have you been up to”? gets asked, I immediately think of my quiet days and that I should be ‘doing’ or working somewhere like Jimmy’s or DB to fill my hours.

Then I hear that voice that has become increasingly familiar and calming…. ‘Don’t you think you would have had those jobs if I had wanted you to?’

I’m where God wants me.  Doing what God wants me to do. 

Seeing the Good

Doesn't this just make you happy to look at?  It does me.  I love the color and the quotes. 

My sweet sister-in-law, K, made this.  And it reminds me that there is Joy all around me.  Plus it just lifts my heart to read all these quotes.  Isn't that what life is about?

Being more like light?  Bringing more light?  Sharing more light?

I want more Light.  I want to bring more Light into my life and those around me.  We all need that.  Thanks, K, for the reminder!

I Fix

Today on my way to the temple (yes it's closed but I can go into the parking lot and feel peace there) I drove by this store and it caught my eye.

I feel broken.  I feel like my life is broken.  And I don't know what to DO to fix it.  You see, I always think that there is something I should be able to DO to fix anything that isn't right in my world.  I can cook food for neighbors who are sick.  I can text or visit friends who are struggling.  I can send $$ to my children when their funds are low.  But I can't fix me.  My life and my heart are broken.  I feel unloved, unwanted and unseen by the very person in my life who promised to love, want and see me.  Or something like that.

"I FIX".  Jesus fixes.  He loves broken things. At least that's what Elder Holland says.  And he says He can fix broken things.  My "doing" in all this is to trust that He can and He will fix what has been broken.  Like the sign says. 

Be grateful for today and the lessons I am learning and the strength I am gaining.  Because Christ tells me "I FIX". 

Fear

For the last five years two dogs have been kenneled here.  Day and night.  In the blistering sun and the freezing snow.  Now don't get me started on the plight of these dogs because that isn't today's discussion. Today's topic is fear.

Every time I walked past these dogs with Toby and Willow they would bark their heads off. Almost.  Sometimes they would bark at just me walking by.  I think these poor kenneled creatures were fearful.  They were trying to protect their little plot of land.  They were trying to control something they had little control over.  In return, my dogs would react and try to protect themselves, and me. It would turn into a barking fest.   Needless to say, we didn't walk this way very often.  Which is a shame because, other than the kenneled dogs, this is a beautiful and peaceful walk.

For the last few times Toby and I have walked past this kennel.  No dogs have been in it.  It has been peaceful and quiet.  Today Toby and I walked up to the kennel.  There were no big scary dogs.  At first, Toby's hackles went up.  He was prepared for a fight.  But as he stood there and then sniffed around, he realized there was nothing there to fight and nothing to be afraid of.  He stood at the fence and looked for a long time.  I think he was sure there was going to be something pop out of the dog houses at any second.  But nothing.  

Once he was satisfied, he turned around and we walked on our way down the street.

Fear makes us do crazy things.  We bark.  We lunge.  We run away.  We put our hackles up.  We show our sharp teeth.  In an effort to protect.  

My greatest fear is to be invisible and useless.  When I feel discounted, overlooked, or not heard, my hackles go up.  My angry teeth show.  I bark. I protect.  All in an effort to be heard and not become invisible.  What I really am, is hurt.  Anger = Fear/hurt.  At least in my world.  

As I can label my fear, anger and hurt, it disappears. Just like the big scary dogs in the kennel.  

I think a lot of people are living in Fear and Hurt.  Especially right now.  I am.  

And I have found that if we can label it and look at it, like the empty kennel, we will find that our fears aren't that big.  Or real.  

My Temple

The Bountiful Temple has been closed.  In fact, all the temples are closed except for sealings and live endowments.  And those things are done by appointment only.  I've missed the temple.  It's such a place of peace and calm.  It's a place of revelation for me.  I get centered when I go to the temple and everything comes into focus and gets balanced after I've been there.  My priorities get all straightened out. 

Things haven't felt quite right at home the last few weeks.  Brad has been working from home for going on 4 months now.  And we all know how I need time away from Brad to feel sane.  I need my Marci time.  Selfish, I know.  But at least I know my limitations.  Aspergers in a spouse is a heavy load to bear.  Even when his is mild compared to many.  I need time away to remember what 'normal' is.  Haha, what is normal?!

I know the Coronavirus plays into part of my imbalance.  I'm not naive about that.  But Brad has not been owning any of his Aspergers and the challenges it brings.  He laughs it off like "oh that's just the way I am.  Love me anyway." 

We moved Kathy Saturday (4th of July) morning.  When we got home something happened that triggered me to my core.  All I'm going to say is that it was a bookend to something that happened before we were married, that had I known it had happened, would have been a game changer.  And there would not have been a marriage.  So....was I going to let this repeat offense slide?  Ummm, No.
And not even just a heck no.  I feel like this has been a turning point in me taking my life back.  Me being able to say, "I'm done, playing this game.  It stops now.  You can't treat me this way.  It's NOT okay."  Because it's not okay.  And no one hardly ever tells Brad no. 

I have felt God's tender mercies everywhere.  In the scriptures I've read.  In the books I'm reading.  And then today at the temple. 

I needed the peace of the temple.  Even if I couldn't go in.  So I drove there thinking I could sit on the grass just west of the temple.  As it so happened that whole street was closed.  But part of the parking lot was open.  I think it was for the few temple patrons and construction workers that were there.  So I pulled in.  Being brave.  And I parked so I could look head on at the temple and just to see it's beauty and feel of it's power.  You see, in my world, the Bountiful Temple is the only true temple.  Just like the Salt Lake Temple is the only true temple for Gregg.  This visit was just what my heart needed.

There were no people walking in and out or lingering.  I could think and ponder and focus.  And receive some revelation and love.  As I sat there looking at the temple I watched the crane that you can see in the first picture. It would pick things up from the roof of the temple and then turn to the street on the west and drop off its load.  They are obviously doing some maintenance.  And I also saw some paint trailers.  So the work looks like it's inside and out.  But mostly inside. 

Then I got thinking about how every so often they clean the temple and update the carpet and chairs.They fix the AC and furnaces.  They want to make it as perfect as possible so the Spirit of the Lord will be there and the Lord himself as well. 

I'm going through an update. 2.0 My insides are realizing their worth and they won't take the leftovers Brad is offering. Heavenly Father will help me.  He already has. I want to be as perfect as possible so the Spirit of the Lord will be with me and so that I will be ready to meet him again. 

I don't know what the future holds but it will all be okay.