WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER?

This is a question that haunts me.  Kind of along the same lines as "What have you been up to?"

Not much.

At least I don't think so.

Gifts suggested from my patriarchal blessing are wisdom and knowledge.

But no one seems to care or want those gifts.  So I keep quiet.  Why give a gift that no one wants?

I know my thoughts have merit.  They have proven reliable time and time again.  My heart and mind haven't failed me yet.  

I know people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.  

Relationships are very important to me.  I have tried to cultivate the relationships within my little circle so that my thoughts might have some merit.  And yet, that isn't my motivation in developing relationships.  Relationship is something I think we all crave and need to survive and become who God wants us to be.

This will be my space to share.

I will share insights from the week, month or year that I think have some merit.

Maybe they will have meaning to someone.  At some point.  Because that is something I do have to offer.

TAKE A LOOK

 Take a close look at this picture.  There isn't just one set of eyes looking at you.

I took this picture one day when I came out of the bank back in August of 2019.  

It was a long time ago, I know.  Especially considering we've been through a pandemic since then.

This crew of mine never cease to make my heart smile and give me joy.

What would I do without them?

Toby is ALWAYS watching out the window when I return to the car.  It doesn't matter where we are or how long he's been in the car.  His watchful anticipation melts my heart.  

Don't we all long to have someone who is happy to see us no matter what?  No matter how long they've been kept waiting or where we've been? 

I have it.  And I'm not going to take it for granted.  For one second.

 SERVING

This winter has been the longest EVER. I'm not complaining.  I am just stating the facts.  The first good snowstorm we had was the first week of November. 

 And it hasn't stopped. 

We desperately need it. We have been in a drought for the last 5 years.  The snow is welcome.  Very welcome.  

The ski resorts are singing.  And dancing.  

I have wanted to go skiing.  But here's the deal.  It's either a been snow day or a getting ready to snow day, which means that the skies are gray, it's windy and the light is flat.  Flat light is no joke when you're skiing.  So I haven't had the chance to go skiing.

All the grey days have drained my energy.  They have made me feel gray. 

But I think I've found the solution.  For me.

Service.

My favorite kind of service is doing therapy work with Willow.  She's finally getting to the age where's she's more settled and calm when we go visit different places and different people. 

Two and a half years ago Willow and I were going to 2nd grade class in Salt Lake.  My amazing niece, K, teaches the class I went to.  Watching her teach is magic. She really has a gift.

Covid ended our visits. Which was very hard for both Willow and I. Until now.

Today was our first visit back at school and it felt so good.  I took Willow for an off leash walk before our visit which calmed both of our nerves. 

The kids were so excited when we walked in.  How can you not feed off of that energy and immediately feel better?  I know I do.  And did. It was like taking a happiness pill. Willow was in heaven.  She settled right in and soaked up all the loves and pats she got.  

Then the kids took turns reading to her.  Willow settled right down on the floor and closed her eyes while they read and gently stroked her. It was a very Zen experience.  I don't know any other way to describe it. 

All I know is that when Willow and I left that classroom, I felt calmer and happier than I have for a long time.  

Really and truly it was Willow who served.  She was the secret sauce.  I just was the observer of the magic she brought to the whole experience.  

 Serving those kids was good for both of us.  We'll definitely keep on doing it.

  

I haven't posted something in a long time.  Mostly because the last two months have been hard and I have been hard pressed to see the joy in my life.

The holidays are always emotion-filled.  And Thanksgiving and Christmas this year were no different.  It seems we all come with different expectations.  And no matter what, someone is disappointed.  This year was no exception.  I did the best I could.  But people were disappointed and let down.

I have limped along since Christmas.

I felt no joy in the holiday I usually love because it focuses so much on the Savior.  I couldn't get Christmas taken down fast enough.

I wasn't connecting well with God or Christ.  They were quiet.  

What was I doing wrong?

I am usually the common denominator to my difficulties.  But answers weren't coming.

You know what?  There is a scripture ...."men are, that they might have joy". (2Nephi 2:25) Joy was the last thing I was feeling.  

Then, this last Wednesday I was in our Adult Religion class that our stake sponsors and Bro. Helgesen teaches.  The topic was a discussion on repentance.  He asked if anyone had had experience or known of anyone with experience regarding addiction and repentance.  

A brave soul raised her hand and shared her story.  

She said what made the difference was giving her will over to God.  She had tried everything.  She finally got to a place where she gave her will to God, only wanting what he wanted.

You see, I have tried EVERYTHING  to fix me and my marriage. I have tried.  Including asking God what to do.  Guess what?  NOTHING I  have done has worked.  Therapy. Podcasts. YouTube. Fasting. Prayer. Pleading. Anger. Kindness. Repeat. Repeat and repeat. 

There's no magic bullet.

No magic combo of things that has worked. And now I know no magic combo will work.

I give my will to God and my Savior.  They ONLY wants what is best.  I'll take it.  Even if it's hard.  I w know that God is building me into my best me.  

Joy comes through Jesus Christ.  Joy IS Jesus Christ.  When I gave my will to Him the light began to pierce that darkness I have felt.  I began to feel peace and calm.  I began to feel my burden lifted. 

 "I" have been trying to do it ALL.  Instead of letting the one who knows the beginning from the end, take it on and guide me.

The trick for me is to live in a place where inspiration and light can flow through me so I'm able to do God's will.

Christ is my Joy.  He will always be the answer to my Joy. 

FIRST SNOW

Who knew that we'd be getting a major snow storm on the 2nd of November?  Especially when all we've been experiencing is dry, dry, dry.  But the wind kicked up yesterday and as we all know in Utah, that means a storm is sure to follow.  B and I made sure we mowed the lawn.  Which we haven't done for at least 3 weeks and it needed it.  So it got a haircut and I'm so glad we did.  I'm pretty sure this will be the last mow of the season.  Did I hear a cheer?  You did, from me!  I'll probably fertilize one last time when the weather clears up a bit and it isn't so slurpy. It will make for a beautiful lawn in the spring.

 Did I say I LOVE the first snow?  And the second? And the third?  I love the change in season.  I love being inside with the fireplace on and warm blankets to snuggle in.  Not to mention a good book and good movie.  I've tried to figure out why I love it so much.  I think it's because we get so much heat and dry and sun.  Cloudy with snow is a rarer thing around here.  Yes, we get long cold winters, but the cloudy and snow is a rare thing.  It means I get a cookie baking day.  Or a soup day.  Which I love.  It makes me feel warm, cozy and safe.

Snow is an insulator.  It quiets all the noise out there in the world.  I don't know if it's the snow itself or if it's because people are indoors, so there isn't as much outside noise.  Or maybe it's a combination of both.  Either way, it's a win/win for me.  

Growing

 Logan is definitely one of my favorite places to go to.  In another life, I think B and I would have moved there and lived for an indefinite amount of time.  The winters are brutal but the Cache valley is always a sight for sore eyes.  I love dropping down from Sardine Canyon into the valley.  It's not wall to wall housing and people. Life moves a little slower there.

First on our list of stops is Cox Honeyland.  They have the best honey.  And their different kinds of fudge are divine.  Especially the chocolate peanut butter fudge.  The gift part of their store is so fun to wander through.  They always have unique things you feel like you need to buy.  Either for yourself or someone you know!

Second on our list of stops is Gossner Foods.  We love this place.  Mostly they have milk and cheese.  Cheese curds are a must to buy.  They are delicious.  Even if B doesn't think so.  He likes to buy the Jalepeno Jack cheese to go with his Wheat Thins which is fine by me as long as I can get my cheese curds.  They also have shelf stable milk.  The root beer flavor tastes like a root beer float. It's so good.  We have an awesome neighbor give us a carton of their Egg Nog for Christmas which didn't last very long.  I thought it was a genius idea for a Christmas gift.

Next up is El Toro Viejo.  Do you sense a food theme going on here.  You may or may not be correct.  El Toro is obviously Mexican food.  We were first introduced to them by our Sarah when she lived in Logan and was going to school.  It was kind of a dive.  But the food was the best Mexican we had ever had.  They have since moved and upgraded the ambience, which I kind of miss.  But I still love the food.  

Finally, we ALWAYS have to stop and get some Aggie ice cream.  Who doesn't love that stuff?  If I'm lucky I can talk Brad into bringing home a half gallon of their deliciousness.

After all that wonderful food fest stuff that we did, we had to walk it all off!  So we headed up the canyon.  We got as far as First Dam.  It has a great park with water where people were kayaking.  But across the street north is a walking trail that goes up the mountain.  It goes up and follows the Bonneville Shoreline.  The view is amazing!  Like, 'take your breath away' amazing.  

Along this trail I saw these two small trees growing out of the rock.  This kind of scene never ceases to amaze me.  Especially when it's 90 degrees outside and we're in a drought.  How do these trees do it?  How do they stay alive?  How do they keep green?   It made me think of the meme that shows the flower growing out of the sidewalk that says "Bloom Where You're Planted". Which sometimes make me shake my head. 

Sometimes I don't like where I'm planted.  I don't feel like blooming.  I'm just trying to get by.  There's a drought in my life.  It's hot.  I loved seeing these trees.  They weren't blooming.  There were no flowers.  But they were growing. There is a drought and it was HOT.   They were beautiful and inspiring.  I may not feel like I'm blooming.  But I can grow where I am.  And maybe along the way I can be beautiful and inspiring to someone else on their own hot dry journey.  

CONFERENCE, CONFERENCE 

AND MORE CONFERENCE

B and I had the chance to get away for the weekend.  It was crazy for days leading up to Sunday when we decided to leave. 

Normally I'm so organized on conference weekends.  I get cooking done and chores finished early.  I have my pen and notebook by my side.  

Not this time.

I was scattered.

Willow was due to be re-tested for therapy work.  She and I have to re-test every two years.  Saturday was the only day they were doing it up our way.  Unless I wanted to wait three more months.  Nope.  

She passed her test which was amazing considering her focusing skills rival a gnat's.  She is easily distracted.  By someone walking by.  Another dog.  Water in the gutter.  Traffic coming down the street.  Or a fly buzzing around her head.

Yes, they told me I needed to work on her focusing skills.  How do we do that?  

The suggestion was a 4ft. lead.  I can do that.  Then hook her to the lead and me when I'm noodling around the house doing my daily routine.  I can do that.  We'll see how that works. I'm up for trying anything.  

K, I got a bit side tracked, didn't I?  

I heard the next three sessions of conference.  Then we were off on our trip down south.  We figured we could listen to conference in the car.  That worked great until we got in a canyon where there was NO cell service.

This pic was taken when we finally got out of the canyon and had cell service.  The dark clouds in the background are a post for another day.

To say I was distracted for this conference, was an understatement.  I had laundry, packing and Willow on my mind.  Not the Lord or his servants.  Although I did pray for them and their messages.

I didn't come to conference with any questions or problems that were troubling me.  99% of the time I do.  Not this time.  

But as I came away from conference with the messages I did hear.  And those I re-listened to in days following, the message the Lord wanted me to hear emerged.  There were themes and patterns I know he wanted me to focus on:  Knowing the Savior.  TRULY coming to know the Savior and having a relationship with Him.  Covenants.  Keeping my covenants.  There is safety, power and protection from keeping my covenants and knowing the Savior.  And in the coming days my family and I will need that safety, power and protection.  Also, temples, temples temples (along with the obvious Gathering of Israel).  Which is how we keep our covenants and better know and understand our Savior.

I felt there was an urgency surrounding the messages of conference this time.  We need a testimony of Christ.  We need a relationship with Christ.  Christ needs to be our foundation.

I have my work cut out for me, don't I?