A CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER

The chaos had finally quieted and I was left with a sink of soapy water and the dirty dishes to go with it.  Lest you think I was feeling sorry for myself, far from it.  This is a time to slow down, think about the evening and connect with myself.  It is a time for reflection.  Almost a meditation of sorts. 

This Christmas Eve had felt more chaotic than most.  We had added 4 more bodies to our family count with Rachel engaged to Darin.  His kids are lovely and well-behaved.  It’s my own crew that got out of hand.

We had had the usual pinata with gifts and candy stuffed inside.  The littles loved hitting it with all their might to see if they could spill a few treats for themselves. 

Then there was the adult bingo with gift cards as the prizes. A chaos of its own making.

Bingo was followed by Rachel’s addition of the Saran Wrap game.  I don’t know what else to call it.  It is layer upon layer of Saran Wrap waiting to be unwrapped with candy and gifts tucked within each layer. Dice and gloves are involved which only added to the frenzy.  Screaming may have been heard coming from each person at some point in time until it was over.

We unwrapped presents.  Which took longer this year with the addition of the Teeples family. But added to our gifts that we gave, were Rachel and Darin’s gifts to each other’s kids.

I read a story from a new Christmas book by Bruce Lindsay about his father Richard. It included Heber who was his best friend at the time.  It meant a lot to me to share it with the kids.  I knew that Heber would never mention it.  It was a sweet story and when I asked Heber about it earlier, he said he remembers that Christmas and the gift from his friend Richard.

It was nearing 8:30-9:00pm which is a little on the late side for Christmas Eve.  In spite of the late hour, we packed up and headed to the cemetery for our ‘tradition of the candles’ at Sarah’s headstone.  A minimum of a dozen candles are set around Sarah’s headstone.  Some are in lanterns while others are just set around on the skirting of the headstone or even in the snow.  This year because of no snow, it was the grass.  The effect in the darkness is magical.  A stark reminder that there is light even in death.

With my hands in soapy water, as I was reviewing the reveling we had just shared with this year’s Christmas, my eyes rested upon a stained glass manger scene a dear friend had given me just that year.  Maybe even earlier that day. I had hung it on the handle of the door leading to the basement. It now lay on the counter next to the sink.  Broken.  Shattered from the middle out to its edges.  It had obviously been bumped and then stepped on amid the rush and chaos of our many activities.

Then this thought came into my mind….

“Where was I in your celebration of the season?  Was I bumped and then trampled on in your rush to accomplish what you wanted to do?”

My heart was broken.  In our frivolity and merry making I had completely forgotten the reason for the season.  The reason for the joy and laughter.  The reason for the connection called relationship.  The reason for hope, rejoicing and love.  I had trampled the gift given to me by my all-loving Father in Heaven in search of my own desires and agenda.

A vow came over me with the gratitude in knowing I could have another chance. Next year.  Next year would be different. I vowed to always make it different.  My Savior, Jesus Christ would be my focus.  Our focus.  Each year. 

Because He is the reason I live, love, have joy and peace.

 QUIET

I am an introvert by nature.  Yes, I love my people and spending time with them.  Connecting, playing.  But I also need down time and alone time to rejuvenate.  

Some people think that I'm a snob because I'm not the first to talk to them and make them feel comfortable.  I'm an observer and a watcher.  I like to asses a person and a situation before jumping in with both feet.  Granted if I'm the only person in the mix I'll talk and be friendly.  But if it's a group, I'm not the first one to put myself out there.  

If it's my own family, that's a whole different story.  I'm in the mix and wanting to talk and connect with EVERYONE.  

We open up to those who we're comfortable with.

Put me in a social situation, where there are ALOT of people (more than 10) and I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do or say.  

Give me a group of 6 or less and I'm comfortable and at home.

Sounds like an introvert to me.  But I still need rejuvenation and alone time even with 6 or less people.

Rejuvenation.....what does that look like?  Time in the yard.  Either working or sitting.  Reading.  Playing the piano.  Journaling.  Cooking.  

I first read this book about 7 years ago.  Maybe it's been longer.  I can't tell you the relief I felt as I read about introverts and recognized myself.  But the beauty of this book was in recognizing the power and necessity of introverts.  We live in a world that celebrates the loud, the outgoing, the social and gregarious personality. I have felt 'less than' because I was not those things. This book helped me realize it was okay to be quiet and need alone time.  

You see, the world needs both.  Introverts and extroverts.  What a sad world it would be if we only had one or the other.  I have friends who are extroverts and they keep me laughing and well-fed with their stories.  Extroverts need introverts who will listen to them but also bring a different view to the table, when necessary.  

I am an introvert.  And it's ok.    

 WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER?

This is a question that haunts me.  Kind of along the same lines as "What have you been up to?"

Not much.

At least I don't think so.

Gifts suggested from my patriarchal blessing are wisdom and knowledge.

But no one seems to care or want those gifts.  So I keep quiet.  Why give a gift that no one wants?

I know my thoughts have merit.  They have proven reliable time and time again.  My heart and mind haven't failed me yet.  

I know people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.  

Relationships are very important to me.  I have tried to cultivate the relationships within my little circle so that my thoughts might have some merit.  And yet, that isn't my motivation in developing relationships.  Relationship is something I think we all crave and need to survive and become who God wants us to be.

This will be my space to share.

I will share insights from the week, month or year that I think have some merit.

Maybe they will have meaning to someone.  At some point.  Because that is something I do have to offer.

TAKE A LOOK

 Take a close look at this picture.  There isn't just one set of eyes looking at you.

I took this picture one day when I came out of the bank back in August of 2019.  

It was a long time ago, I know.  Especially considering we've been through a pandemic since then.

This crew of mine never cease to make my heart smile and give me joy.

What would I do without them?

Toby is ALWAYS watching out the window when I return to the car.  It doesn't matter where we are or how long he's been in the car.  His watchful anticipation melts my heart.  

Don't we all long to have someone who is happy to see us no matter what?  No matter how long they've been kept waiting or where we've been? 

I have it.  And I'm not going to take it for granted.  For one second.

 SERVING

This winter has been the longest EVER. I'm not complaining.  I am just stating the facts.  The first good snowstorm we had was the first week of November. 

 And it hasn't stopped. 

We desperately need it. We have been in a drought for the last 5 years.  The snow is welcome.  Very welcome.  

The ski resorts are singing.  And dancing.  

I have wanted to go skiing.  But here's the deal.  It's either a been snow day or a getting ready to snow day, which means that the skies are gray, it's windy and the light is flat.  Flat light is no joke when you're skiing.  So I haven't had the chance to go skiing.

All the grey days have drained my energy.  They have made me feel gray. 

But I think I've found the solution.  For me.

Service.

My favorite kind of service is doing therapy work with Willow.  She's finally getting to the age where's she's more settled and calm when we go visit different places and different people. 

Two and a half years ago Willow and I were going to 2nd grade class in Salt Lake.  My amazing niece, K, teaches the class I went to.  Watching her teach is magic. She really has a gift.

Covid ended our visits. Which was very hard for both Willow and I. Until now.

Today was our first visit back at school and it felt so good.  I took Willow for an off leash walk before our visit which calmed both of our nerves. 

The kids were so excited when we walked in.  How can you not feed off of that energy and immediately feel better?  I know I do.  And did. It was like taking a happiness pill. Willow was in heaven.  She settled right in and soaked up all the loves and pats she got.  

Then the kids took turns reading to her.  Willow settled right down on the floor and closed her eyes while they read and gently stroked her. It was a very Zen experience.  I don't know any other way to describe it. 

All I know is that when Willow and I left that classroom, I felt calmer and happier than I have for a long time.  

Really and truly it was Willow who served.  She was the secret sauce.  I just was the observer of the magic she brought to the whole experience.  

 Serving those kids was good for both of us.  We'll definitely keep on doing it.

  

I haven't posted something in a long time.  Mostly because the last two months have been hard and I have been hard pressed to see the joy in my life.

The holidays are always emotion-filled.  And Thanksgiving and Christmas this year were no different.  It seems we all come with different expectations.  And no matter what, someone is disappointed.  This year was no exception.  I did the best I could.  But people were disappointed and let down.

I have limped along since Christmas.

I felt no joy in the holiday I usually love because it focuses so much on the Savior.  I couldn't get Christmas taken down fast enough.

I wasn't connecting well with God or Christ.  They were quiet.  

What was I doing wrong?

I am usually the common denominator to my difficulties.  But answers weren't coming.

You know what?  There is a scripture ...."men are, that they might have joy". (2Nephi 2:25) Joy was the last thing I was feeling.  

Then, this last Wednesday I was in our Adult Religion class that our stake sponsors and Bro. Helgesen teaches.  The topic was a discussion on repentance.  He asked if anyone had had experience or known of anyone with experience regarding addiction and repentance.  

A brave soul raised her hand and shared her story.  

She said what made the difference was giving her will over to God.  She had tried everything.  She finally got to a place where she gave her will to God, only wanting what he wanted.

You see, I have tried EVERYTHING  to fix me and my marriage. I have tried.  Including asking God what to do.  Guess what?  NOTHING I  have done has worked.  Therapy. Podcasts. YouTube. Fasting. Prayer. Pleading. Anger. Kindness. Repeat. Repeat and repeat. 

There's no magic bullet.

No magic combo of things that has worked. And now I know no magic combo will work.

I give my will to God and my Savior.  They ONLY wants what is best.  I'll take it.  Even if it's hard.  I w know that God is building me into my best me.  

Joy comes through Jesus Christ.  Joy IS Jesus Christ.  When I gave my will to Him the light began to pierce that darkness I have felt.  I began to feel peace and calm.  I began to feel my burden lifted. 

 "I" have been trying to do it ALL.  Instead of letting the one who knows the beginning from the end, take it on and guide me.

The trick for me is to live in a place where inspiration and light can flow through me so I'm able to do God's will.

Christ is my Joy.  He will always be the answer to my Joy. 

FIRST SNOW

Who knew that we'd be getting a major snow storm on the 2nd of November?  Especially when all we've been experiencing is dry, dry, dry.  But the wind kicked up yesterday and as we all know in Utah, that means a storm is sure to follow.  B and I made sure we mowed the lawn.  Which we haven't done for at least 3 weeks and it needed it.  So it got a haircut and I'm so glad we did.  I'm pretty sure this will be the last mow of the season.  Did I hear a cheer?  You did, from me!  I'll probably fertilize one last time when the weather clears up a bit and it isn't so slurpy. It will make for a beautiful lawn in the spring.

 Did I say I LOVE the first snow?  And the second? And the third?  I love the change in season.  I love being inside with the fireplace on and warm blankets to snuggle in.  Not to mention a good book and good movie.  I've tried to figure out why I love it so much.  I think it's because we get so much heat and dry and sun.  Cloudy with snow is a rarer thing around here.  Yes, we get long cold winters, but the cloudy and snow is a rare thing.  It means I get a cookie baking day.  Or a soup day.  Which I love.  It makes me feel warm, cozy and safe.

Snow is an insulator.  It quiets all the noise out there in the world.  I don't know if it's the snow itself or if it's because people are indoors, so there isn't as much outside noise.  Or maybe it's a combination of both.  Either way, it's a win/win for me.